I'm so dissapointed and disturbed. I'm already bothered by other facts and this is definately not helping. It's already damn hard for me and this is not making things easier nor is it helping at all. No it's not helping. I don't know if its the 'No' that is dissapointing or the 'I won't be happy' that is hurtful that is bothering me. So your not happy about it or the fact that I'm reluctant or that I... I didn't persuade I didnt do shit, I just kept quite. I'm tired of convincing and shit.

It is really hard, but I swallow everything and do what I want to do. I don't know what will happen, but I know I'm left with a few days to do what I got to do and be happy. This may be the last time I get to be what I am to be with her and this may be the last time I could be happy because of her. Whatever happens, I know I will look back and say that it was the best 3 months plus of my life. I mean it. I believe in me now, I believe in what I do and I believe in hope and miracle once more.

I'm tired of problems after problems. It's been shitty and it's hard to balance my happiness with whatever I have. It's especially hard that I can't express whatever I want to say to anyone without anyone getting hurt. I'm tired of taking care of people's heart. I just bite my lips and hold whatever I want to say but it's crashing in the inside. Why can't everyone be happy for me for fucking once? Why must either one person not be happy bout anything I do? Why is it so fucking hard to just let me be fucking happy?

Sue me