Sometimes we walk around, without realising, things we do cause a chain reaction that effect other's, be it now or the future. We sometimes do things with different intention, different motives. We are sometimes the leaf that follow where the wind blows, sometimes we are the leaf that refuse to follow and sometimes, we are the wind the blows. We always follow other people footsteps, but at a certain point of your life, you are left with a choice to follow or leave your own footsteps. Sometimes we cross the dangerous knowing we will get hurt, sometimes, the journey is more important then the destination, sometimes the destination is not what you might hope for, but we know it's ok. Many hear but fail to listen. Those who listen can understand. Many read but do not understand. Many talk, but do not speak.

Loyalty and respect is important. If your testing my loyalty, then you only succeed in testing my patient.

It's been awhile blogging while smilling and it feels goooooood!

Sue me!

Why is this happening? Why am I treated like dirt? Do I not have any emotions? Do I not have any feelings? Why does she pretend I'm ok? Why does she pretend I don't mind?

It annoys me i cant sleep... im annoyed that im actually scared.... shes no longer care bout me..... does she? i dotno... :(

It feels like shes fading...Feels like shes moving away...feels like im losing her... am i? i feel like theres nothing to look forward too... i feel emotionless now...i feel like crying but i cant...i feel angry yet i cant express it... what happen? why has it become so unfair? it was sooo perfect...i was sooo determined...wat happen to it all? wat happen to my faith? wat happen to my hope? wat happen to it all? wat happen to us? was i blinded again? no, not this one, dat for sure....i wasnt blinded,i didnt follow my emotions...my mind control it all...i didnt folliw my heart...im blinded now...my emotions comes in quicker...have i been holding it in all this while...my patient...its running thin it seems...i hate tripping...i hate getting angry, i hate my rage...i know it runs in my blood...i use this rage to overcome my fear of pain...pain..my rage can never save me from this pain dat comes from the heart...im so acustomed to it that when i use it to heal the pain in my heart,it rage inside my heart begging to burst out....im afraid...im so afraid..i one to be embrace by the dark for in darkness i feel no regret...but wat i want most is....her smile,her sincirity in her hug...her care,her concern,i want her to apreciate me once more...i miss her,no, i miss how she was to me... before this....is this so much to ask for? im left with 36 days left....36 days eh.....36 days left...i dotno wat to do animore, like a miracle she was,i hope she will still be my miracle... am i still the light at the end of the tunnel? do i still make her high in her journey of life?

faith, hope and strength, where have you gone too? please come back. ll, will u return me wat u have given me or will you take it all away?

sue me

It is so hard that I have all this problem building up and there's no one I can talk to. No one at all. I've been bothered but I don't want to do anything. I'm so messed up now. When was the last time I feel totally in a mess with so much problem building up? It's nothing new, but the fact is there is no one to share with, no one to confide in, no want to console in. No one. I just don't know what to do anymore.. I'm breaking down again and again and all I can do is blog it? Drown myself with games and laughter. Because there's nothing much I can do is there? It's not helping that Nisa don't wana tok bout it and make things better. It's not helping that he got to be an obsesive prick and werk there. It's not helping that I miss LL so much. It's not helping that LL is sad and bothered. It's not helping that Din has a prob too. FUCK LA.. Seriously, fucked up. I'm starting to question and doubt.

I miss LL much. Miss her voice, her laughter, her sight. Miss the way she kill me with my lame jokes. Miss how she jump for joy when she did a new trick. Miss the way she hug me. Miss her smell. Miss her eyes. Miss her wide smile when I suprise her with something. I just miss her so much. I just realise there is no more spontant meet up with her....That's stupid right? hai.....Mayb we can still do it...I dotno...

Nothing is helping out... The fight isnt helping... The time isn't helping... GE isn't helping... This definatly is not helping....

What else can I do except swallow everything in?

I'm so dissapointed and disturbed. I'm already bothered by other facts and this is definately not helping. It's already damn hard for me and this is not making things easier nor is it helping at all. No it's not helping. I don't know if its the 'No' that is dissapointing or the 'I won't be happy' that is hurtful that is bothering me. So your not happy about it or the fact that I'm reluctant or that I... I didn't persuade I didnt do shit, I just kept quite. I'm tired of convincing and shit.

It is really hard, but I swallow everything and do what I want to do. I don't know what will happen, but I know I'm left with a few days to do what I got to do and be happy. This may be the last time I get to be what I am to be with her and this may be the last time I could be happy because of her. Whatever happens, I know I will look back and say that it was the best 3 months plus of my life. I mean it. I believe in me now, I believe in what I do and I believe in hope and miracle once more.

I'm tired of problems after problems. It's been shitty and it's hard to balance my happiness with whatever I have. It's especially hard that I can't express whatever I want to say to anyone without anyone getting hurt. I'm tired of taking care of people's heart. I just bite my lips and hold whatever I want to say but it's crashing in the inside. Why can't everyone be happy for me for fucking once? Why must either one person not be happy bout anything I do? Why is it so fucking hard to just let me be fucking happy?

Sue me