3 post within 1 hr, I must really be bored at home, but no, that's not it. I'm listening to songs and relating it with me. Everytime I see her falling, I pray that she's ok. Everytime she cries, I want to cry too. Everytime she's down, all I want to do is try my best is to bring her up, again and again n again. This grave that I dug, I'm suppose to go in, but why am I so scared to do so? This darkness that I am so comfortable to be in, why don't I want to go back? This pain that I am NOT suppose to feel, WHY AM I FUCKING FEELING IT? This tears I'm not suppose to shed, WHY THE FUCK AM I SHEDDING IT? I have already convince myself that one day she will walk away, why don't I want her to leave? I've been in the light and I don't wana go back. I don't wana be numb. I dont wana be emotionless. I dont wana feel nothing. The hardest part is I wana do something but knowing doing nothing is for the best.


I'm like a fucking mirror, I feel what people feel, I hear what they want to shout yet no words come out, I can sense problem coming even before it came, I can sense people's sorrow and problem, I feel people's tears. WHO THE FUCK GONA HEAR MY SCREAMS. WHO THE FUCK CAN SENSE MY SORROW. WHO THE FUCK CAN SENSE MY TEARS?!? FOR THE FUCKING FIRST TIME I CAN SAY THIS IS MY FUCKING PAIN AND NO OTHER. THIS IS NOT ANOTHER MIRROR EMOTION. THIS IS MY FUCKING OWN! I'm tired, I'm fucking tired of clearing people's shit. I'm tired of wearing underwear that doesnt even fucking belong to me and end up having rashes. I'm fucking tired of caring and end up worried for fuck sake. I'm fucking tired of being tired. I'm fucking tired of clearing someone elses shit when Im already burried with my own problem. I'm tired of taking care of people's heart when my heart can't even function properly. I'm tired of hoping for other problem to get better when I can't even hope for my best. I'm tired of praying and wishing for other's when I dont even have faith in my wishes and prayers for myself. FUCK MANNAN...WHAT ABOUT ME!! HOW CAN YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT OTHERS WHEN YOU DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME! Fisherman story, I'm missing the bigger picture, definately I have. SINCERE. I am not fucking sincere in myself. You know what's really my fucking problem? You know what's really been bothering me all this years? You know what's always drag me down? My fucking problem is I FUCKING CARE AND LOVE OTHERS MORE THEN MYSELF!! In my dreams, when I dream I'm alone in that abyss I called paradise, I'm carrying something on my back, I always thought it was a sword to protect myself or cut thru any problem I face. No, it's not a sword. IT IS THE FUCKING WORLD I'M CARRYING. All this while, I've been spit on the face, been stab on the back, been called 'busy body', been called a shit head, a dick head, because when I help someone, I break them down so hard they turn their hatred towards me and all of them walk away. Every single one of them except my 7 good friends. Guess what, 1 more. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FUCKING GOOD IT FEELS TO BE APRECIATED. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW IT FEELS LIKE WHEN SOMEONE APOLOGISE AND FOR THE FUCKING FIRST TIME, DEEP IN HER HEART SHE MEAN IT. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW FUCKING SCARED I AM! I'm not just scared, I'm petrified.

Din & Nisa, I think you 2 are the only souls reading my blog so I just want to say, I fucking love you guys and I know you guys know me the best among all. But, this pain this burden that I've been carrying all this years, it's something I can't share because there is no words that can justify whatever I am carrying, there is no words to say what I want to show you guys. I think of others before me, that's how i roll and that's what you said. It is not easy on me and it has been eating me up slowly. Sometimes it hurts so bad, that all I think is drown myself with redbull and ciggies. I have already know why I met her, I have already learned something bout myself. I, hope, wish, pray, that she is not another learning journey....


I have already forgiven, I already have forgotten. All the emotions come rushing in and I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop. Sue me.