She makes me fly high

I hate good things gone bad when it just infront of you. Something went real bad but I don't know what. I lie, I know. Sometimes I know too much for my own good. Was toking to Din Qad n Zat just now, placebo effect. Is that it? Is it why I'm always right about the wrong things? Sometimes I feel like just running away to a place where there is no problem and trouble where I can do what I want....No...I feel like grabbing her hand and ask her to run away with me to a place where she won't be troubled, where she won't cry... It feel's like I want to know everything about her, her past, her present, her future, her fears, her liking, her dislike. her love, her everything. This sound so crazy. I feel crazy. This is so crazy. I have no idea if I encounter this feeling before. It's damn crazy. It is I swear. Thinking bout what we did, and now, shit. No one has apreciated me as much as she does, I swear. No one has cared for me more. When I do something, a good deed or help, I always feel that's the right thing to do and it's ok because that person need my help, but when I help her or do something for her, I just want to see her smile and laugh. Her 'Thank You' is like a ray of calmness to my heart and she ALWAYS says thank you. This is crazy, this is scary. I know this is crazy, I really do. She inspires me somehow, or mayb I let her inspire me. It's like I regain hope slowly. Hope that keeps us going on. There's no point thinking of what's going to happen or why it happen. I'm going crazy, and everytime I sleep, theres will atleast be a glimpse of her........Shit

I'm I still the light at the end of the tunnel?
Have always been.
*melt quitely*
CRAZY

SUE ME

Enough Ahmad Mannan. Enough of being weak. Enough of being a burden. Enough of making your friend worry. Be strong. As a kid, you have an IQ of 119. That's above average for an average adult. So now that your an adult, grow up and be strong. You can't always do what you wish. Grow up and be strong. I'm tired of being weak n pathethic, I know I am, so fucking be strong. How bout
that?

Sue me

Sleeping and keep waking up. Awaken by dreams. It's anoying how she is running through my mind in reality and in my dreams. It annoys me that I keep dreaming of her. It annoys me that I keep thinking of her. It annoys me that I can't get her out of my mind. It annoys me that I've been crying for days. What are tears for? It's pointless. Nothing good comes from crying. What happen to never commit till that someone commit 1st. I'm so confuse...Really I am. I'm saying things that I don't mean. I say thing that I don't want to do. There's a thin line of wanting to do and need to do right? Why is it so hard? I start praying yet it's still dificult. This is so dificult. It's not fair is it? There's no point of keep saying it's not fair cause it won't change any fact. My heart say run, run, cause I have enough of this shit, I have enough of this pain, enough of hurting, enough of crying, enough of this shit call care. My mind say stays, cause she's gona fall, she's gona get hurt again and she gona crash and burn, and she's worth the pain you go through. Why is it so dificult? Why is it so dificult to erase this emotions? Why do I care? What's the point of caring? What's the point of crying everyday and every night? What's the point. I'm not the guy that run away from anything but why do I feel like running away? Running away to a place far away, where no one knows me, where random people keep walking by and dont give a shit bout me but that's ok, cause I don't give a shit bout them. I lost count of the times I said I'm tired but really I am, I'm damn tired...tired of everything. Life is so beautiful but why am I stuck in this ugly side of life? It hurts deep down to the core. I'm cracked once more. I know I can fix it some other day, I know I can stand back up. But I'm tired. I don't want it to be fix yet. I just want to lie down here. I just want to rest. I want to be alone. I don't feel like working, cause when I work, I help fix other people's problem with their endless rumble of pety things that happen in their life.

How can I help you if I can't help myself. Everytime I see you fall, it breaks me down. Everytime I see you smile. it's as if I'm in heaven. I know I don't need you. I know I can live without you. That's the truth. I don't need you to stand, I don't need to lean on you, I don't need you to be strong. I don't need a reason to hate you and I don't need a reason to hate god or life. I don't need you to survive, to live and to laugh. The truth is, I don't need you to be happy. I don't need you to enjoy life. I don't need you...FUCCCKKK!!! Why the hell I'm I feeling this. I DONT FUCKING NEED YOU BUT WHYYYYY, why am I feeling this, why do I want you, why do I want to be by yourside, why do I want you to make me smile why do I want you to make me happy, why do I want to lean on you, why do I want you to make me feel strong....God want's me to be happy, and I want to be happy too.

We fall because we will stand up and be stronger. We get hurt because thats the only way we can be stronger. We want to fly high because it is fun, we fall hard because we will become strong.


Thank you. Thank you Sarah for making me opening my heart. Thank you for showing me how important I am. Thank you for showing me what it feels like to love myself more. Thank you for showing me care and concern. Thank you for showing me how much god love me. Thank you for everything. =)

Sign's, read the sign's and uphold your words. Signs have already been layed out to you, you must obey. Things has change so you will change. That is a promise that you has taken with yourself. No matter what, you must keep a promise especially to yourself. Every dust that moves, every leaf that drop, every sentence that is heard and every sound that is made, there is a reason or a sign for something bigger. So here it is. Be strong hold on and do what you have promise to do. Be strong and uphold the oath to yourself. Be strong and show yourself what it means to be you.

SUE ME!

There is no equation, there is no physics in it. There is a fomula but it differ from person to person. Sometimes the theory is so simple but hard to understand or digest. Science can't explain, it just happen. There is no confirmation only chances but it didnt happen by luck. Sometimes you just got to hold on and fight. Sometimes doing nothing is fighting. I'm confuse but i know what i want to do. At times i just want to hold on till its to late to let go. Honestly, there is never such a thing as too late. You'll never to young to die and you'll never to old to live.

My heart is heavy, damn heavy. Fuck it, what the fuck, what the fuck just happened? I'm bloody confuse, I hate this. What the hell is going on? Why is it so hard to understand? Is it because I'm stupid? What the hell just happened? FUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

3 post within 1 hr, I must really be bored at home, but no, that's not it. I'm listening to songs and relating it with me. Everytime I see her falling, I pray that she's ok. Everytime she cries, I want to cry too. Everytime she's down, all I want to do is try my best is to bring her up, again and again n again. This grave that I dug, I'm suppose to go in, but why am I so scared to do so? This darkness that I am so comfortable to be in, why don't I want to go back? This pain that I am NOT suppose to feel, WHY AM I FUCKING FEELING IT? This tears I'm not suppose to shed, WHY THE FUCK AM I SHEDDING IT? I have already convince myself that one day she will walk away, why don't I want her to leave? I've been in the light and I don't wana go back. I don't wana be numb. I dont wana be emotionless. I dont wana feel nothing. The hardest part is I wana do something but knowing doing nothing is for the best.


I'm like a fucking mirror, I feel what people feel, I hear what they want to shout yet no words come out, I can sense problem coming even before it came, I can sense people's sorrow and problem, I feel people's tears. WHO THE FUCK GONA HEAR MY SCREAMS. WHO THE FUCK CAN SENSE MY SORROW. WHO THE FUCK CAN SENSE MY TEARS?!? FOR THE FUCKING FIRST TIME I CAN SAY THIS IS MY FUCKING PAIN AND NO OTHER. THIS IS NOT ANOTHER MIRROR EMOTION. THIS IS MY FUCKING OWN! I'm tired, I'm fucking tired of clearing people's shit. I'm tired of wearing underwear that doesnt even fucking belong to me and end up having rashes. I'm fucking tired of caring and end up worried for fuck sake. I'm fucking tired of being tired. I'm fucking tired of clearing someone elses shit when Im already burried with my own problem. I'm tired of taking care of people's heart when my heart can't even function properly. I'm tired of hoping for other problem to get better when I can't even hope for my best. I'm tired of praying and wishing for other's when I dont even have faith in my wishes and prayers for myself. FUCK MANNAN...WHAT ABOUT ME!! HOW CAN YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT OTHERS WHEN YOU DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME! Fisherman story, I'm missing the bigger picture, definately I have. SINCERE. I am not fucking sincere in myself. You know what's really my fucking problem? You know what's really been bothering me all this years? You know what's always drag me down? My fucking problem is I FUCKING CARE AND LOVE OTHERS MORE THEN MYSELF!! In my dreams, when I dream I'm alone in that abyss I called paradise, I'm carrying something on my back, I always thought it was a sword to protect myself or cut thru any problem I face. No, it's not a sword. IT IS THE FUCKING WORLD I'M CARRYING. All this while, I've been spit on the face, been stab on the back, been called 'busy body', been called a shit head, a dick head, because when I help someone, I break them down so hard they turn their hatred towards me and all of them walk away. Every single one of them except my 7 good friends. Guess what, 1 more. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FUCKING GOOD IT FEELS TO BE APRECIATED. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW IT FEELS LIKE WHEN SOMEONE APOLOGISE AND FOR THE FUCKING FIRST TIME, DEEP IN HER HEART SHE MEAN IT. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW FUCKING SCARED I AM! I'm not just scared, I'm petrified.

Din & Nisa, I think you 2 are the only souls reading my blog so I just want to say, I fucking love you guys and I know you guys know me the best among all. But, this pain this burden that I've been carrying all this years, it's something I can't share because there is no words that can justify whatever I am carrying, there is no words to say what I want to show you guys. I think of others before me, that's how i roll and that's what you said. It is not easy on me and it has been eating me up slowly. Sometimes it hurts so bad, that all I think is drown myself with redbull and ciggies. I have already know why I met her, I have already learned something bout myself. I, hope, wish, pray, that she is not another learning journey....


I have already forgiven, I already have forgotten. All the emotions come rushing in and I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop. Sue me.

Got to get me one of this......

Well...its 0400hrs...guess im home now eh. Don't really feel like sleeping over there. I guess it all went good right? till it all went down in the fucking end. What's new, I'm sleepy now but when I'm on my bed, I can't seem to sleep....Fucking briliant.

Sue me.

I've been thinking and lately, I rembered of never hate anyone, forgive and learn. But I hate her so much. I swear I never hated anyone so much and for so long. It feels wrong, it is not normal. No she didn't apologise. She didnt even seek any apology. Well, you know, screw that, In life, in our religion and in my principle, we need to learn to be patience. We need to tolerate each other and we need to forgive. To forgive is not divine, no it is not. Hate to tell you guys but no it's not divine at all. It is supose to be normal. I am not divined yet i am ready to forgive. It feels good because we don't hold any form of hate. I dont have any time to have hate in my heart. She's irritating and fucked up but yes, I wont hate her, i will forgive her for what she said. But fear not, things will remain the same. I still want nothing to do with her. :)

I've been thinking and wondering and reflecting. It sucks being me, because I suck. Problem on top of problem on top of problem and the problems never ends. I'm tired... Damn tired. Yet again I'm writting this imaginary book that no one reads. I'm tired of it. I'll stand at that little corner in the dark for awhile. Let me eliminate whatever I'm feeling for a little while. Let me just reflect myself again. I'm already feeling nothing now. Total oblivion. Lete rest in abyss of my oblivion for a little while. Good things doesnt last forever and bad things wont last either. Maybe at night, I'll get ciggies and redbull and just chill under the sky. Lets, that sounds like a plan.


sue me

I just realised i can update my blog via i phone. That means I dont need to bring my lazy ass to the compt. Huray to technology! Well its 5 30 am in the morning n I cant sleep. I nd to wake up in 5 hrs time. Sleepless nights I hate you so. I hate trying to sleep. To many things on my mind. My eyes are tired but I cant seem to sleep. I wonder...hmmm. Many people thinks that we are the wind that is blowing the grass to the direction we wishes it to be, the truth is, we are the grass that follow which direction the wind blows. Maybe i'm just tired. Tired of convincing myself. Tired of knowing. Tired of learning. Tired of understanding. Tired of caring.... I shuld take a rest for awhile. It is the best interest of everyone afterall. If i fall, I will make it worth fall, and when that happens,I will do what I always do, stand back up. Now is not the time to hesitate and now is not the time to let emotions cloud my judgment. Now is definatly not the time to worry of what others think for awhile.


PS: It breaks my heart to see her cry and the worst part is, it was because of me :(

One cycle, here we go again. I remb, when everything was fine and it went smoothly, then sudenly I was caught off guard. Well, till now I was wondering if it was my fault? Till now I don't even know why. The feeling of totally something and sudenly pure nothingness just sickening, makes me wana puke. That sucks yes?

Well I've been thinking... Thinking and thinking. The reason we dream when we sleep is because our mind is thinking. Just like anyone, I can't stop thinking. Thinking bout something, everything and nothing. This heavy heart feeling, how do I different shape it as paranoah or something bad gona happen? The only way I know it if emotions don't cloud my judgement. There has to be another way to know. There has to.

Random words by random person on a random blog reading by random people. Sue me.

Everything seems greener and the sky is more beautiful. I can't help but to smile alone at times. I can't help but be stock for nothing now adays. These days, it have been the greatest day I had! She make's me high, she's my happy pill. =D

It's still a drag.....2 mths 17 days left and counting before she goes off... Life is soooo unfair

Had a talk with mum, well, I told her I knew this girl and i've been very happy ever since but she's gg to perth and I'm scared... She told me there's technology and many people had long distance relationship and been successful..'kalao da jodoh tk ke mane.' Then she said 'Trust her, trust yourself.' Trust myself? After sending mum to werk, and on the way back, I can't help but to smile and shed my tears. God knows how happy I am at the same time afraid. Am I contradicting myself again? I don't want to be in the dark again.

No words can explain how she makes me feel. No words can explain this. No words can tell how happy she makes me. No words can justify her. She's my LL.


We have no idea where we are heading but all I know is I'm heading together with her, as far as our feet can bring us to.

Okai, lets cut this crap shall we. I guess it is her. Many time's I wake up afraid. Todays is no different, the only different was the fear was greater. This grave that I had dug, let's not fall into it. Let's jump over it, shall we? I can't pretend everything is fine can I? Well this is confusing, I'm confusing myself. This sucks, no, you guys sucks! arrrr...Sue me.

This heart is still heavy.

Well, I was awaken by a stupid dream, as in seriously I think it's stupid. That's not all, I was awaken by a super heavy heart. While tried to sleep back but I can't. Something is teribly wrong I can feel it, it's so real I can taste it in the tip of my tounge. Sooner or later I will find out, but the sooner the better. I always wonder am I suppose to help it, ignore it, get ready for it or prevent it. Well, god knows. Sue me

My handphone died tonight. When I got back home and charged it, I got a a message from her making me smile. She just made my day again. It's damn amazing, yet damn scary. She's amazing but it scares me. I'm easily frightened it seems. I'm scared that one day she would just disapear I guess. Afraid she give him another chance and afraid of not giving us a chance. Afraid of many things. Fact is she be going somewhere for 1 yr, k not really but somewhere there. That scares me too. Thinking to far but fact is everyday I woke up afraid as everyday I wake up is another day closer to that day. It's such a drag. I don't have any more ciggies and that doesn't make anything better! She makes me happy but I'm scared.

Half way story again....sue me